I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So vagazzling was a success
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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