My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
