i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
