yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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