He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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