Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
