i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she looked like the before picture.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
