I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
