woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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