Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
