i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
