ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
