god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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