I can't watch pbs sober anymore
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
