I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
