She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
