Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
