I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
