The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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