Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
