if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
