Soap is not a condiment
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
