it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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