my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
