If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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