Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
