Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
