He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
ugly people sure do ruin things
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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