i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
