I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
