ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
