Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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