I checked into jail on foursquare
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
