i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
