Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
These tits shall not be calmed
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
