I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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