I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
please come you make the beer taste better
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
