im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
