It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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