My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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