we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
