i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
