apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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