The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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