She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
