I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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