Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
