No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
