i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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