I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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