he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
