We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
