i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
