Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
