I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
