Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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