I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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