those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
dude. I can hear the air.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
