I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
